Saturday, August 24, 2013

movie review: GI Joe Retaliation


Alright, alright I know it has been out since back in March. So why has it taken so long for me to watch the second GiJoe movie? Well anyone who knows me knows that I grew up on GiJoe. I spent many a childhood hour looking at Sears wishbooks and Hasbro Catalogues wishing I had the money for such awesome toys as the Whale, Terrordrome, or [gasp]The (seven foot long)Flagg. My brothers and I have countless memories from back then that revolve around these 3.75 inch little plastic army men. We would battle it out on the snowy mountaintops of the living room or the dense jungles of a back bedroom for summer days on end.
Needless to say, I am peculier about my Joe lore. I don't want to see some lefty Hollywood director- whose biggest project to date was Justin Beiber's documentary- imprinting his ideas for what my precious Joes should act, sound and most of all look like on the big screen. The horror that was and is Channing Tatum's acting combined with the ridiculousness of Marlon Wayons not only playing the part of  white halo jumper Ripcord [i.e. where's Hardball, Alpine, Iceberg, Doc, Stretcher, Staticline, or even Stalker for goodness sake?] but playing him like it was a Scary Movie sequel in a bad Lost in Space suit on was still fresh in the back of my mind. I have put this movie on the back burner and completely intended to leave it there. Even though on other Joe sites around there here interweb --you know who you guys are-- have given this movie rave reviews.
Well, I suppose I have put it off long enough. A run to the local Redbox found me, in a moment of weakness, pressing the add button when the Retaliation pic flashed up on the screen. Now that I have finished watching the movie and stepped back with enough time to digest it in its entirety, I guess I will just have to come out and say it.  IT SUCKED.
I hated almost every minute of it.
The best part was when Channing Tatum died. and how he died was even utterly stupid. I mean why get behind the secon Humvee when the bad guys just blew the first Humvee to smithereens? Well I should mention the next best part; which is a close second to the worst thesbian of our, or any other time, kicking the bucket, and that was when Rock got his butt kicked by Ray Stevenson as Firefly.
And I must mention the Rock. Grudingly I do admit he can act. He even has a few pretty good movies. That wasn't the problem here. No, unlike Tatum, who plays only one character in every scene of every movie...uh...ever, Rock plays the part of Roadblock pretty good. It is the director shaping Roadblock himself which is utter comtemptable here. Why are he and Duke best buds. In the last movie Duke was best buds with Ripcord. Why is Roadblock leading the team all of a sudden? Every Joe fan knows that the team's hiearchy is..well lets just say confusing at times. But we can all agree in the top two or three is Flint. Yes the same Flint who was in the movie!! Hello!! By the way, where was Hawk? Dennis Quaid was the only good thing in the first movie and they cut himout? Where is Scarlett? She is an integeral part of the team and she is MIA? The entire thing is mind numbing.
Here are a few things to ponder:
Why was there a airport in the middle of the desert? How did they get from said airport to Roadblock's home town in the city. BTW Roadblock is from Biloxi, Mississipi. How did Lady Jaye set up an advanced computer in a aboandoned, run down gym? Once they figured out the president was an imposter, wouldn't the Joes assume it was Zartan--Cobra master of disguise-- like the rest of the Joe universe, or did they really, really need DNA evidence? Why did Lady Jaye and Joe Colton attack the president's location in an El Camino? Why does this movie show Zartan with nanos making him look like the president when in the last movie he underwent painful surgery? Why does Storm Shadow put on his mask to fight Snake Eyes and then take off his mask for no reason like thirty seconds later? For that matter, why does Jinx do the same thing? And why does Firefly show his face at all when he is supposed to be an unknown saboteur? Everybody in the movie seemed like they were removing their masks every few seconds, why even put them on? While being chased, why did Firefly jump on a little boat with like a Mercury 90 on it when there was a turbo charged Moccasin airboat beside it, which Roadblock used to subsequently run him down and over in? How did Zartan kill a bad, ninja making dude like the Hard Master when he was portrayed in the movie like such a wuss. And why, why why were Snake eyes and Storm Shadow children at the time? Zartan would have had to be Sixty at the time of the movie if that were true. And all Joe fans know that story. It is like one of the pillars of Joe lore. Firefly who is a ninja, not a southern good ole boy, was contracted to kill Snakes. He saw a grown Snake Eyes and knew he was out-matched so he got Zartan to shoot him with a bow, not a sword. He shot Hard Master by mistake and the rest is GiJoe history. How did they convince Storm Shadow it was Zartan in the first place in like ten seconds? That was totally unbelievable. And maybe my biggest gripe, why did the Joes continue to use code names when there was nobody around but them? I mean they know who each other are. Hello Storm Shadow's first name is Tommy- not Storm...geez.
Another Hollywood effort at my Favorite toyline, and another epic fail. The movie is too choppy wothout enough lead up to some scenes and too much campiness between Duke and Roadblock in other areas. It really is all over the place. But I do realize that the fanbase are so starved for anything Joe related that the movie did well at the boxoffice. I for one can't get over all of the miscues. 

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