Saturday, August 24, 2013

movie review: GI Joe Retaliation


Alright, alright I know it has been out since back in March. So why has it taken so long for me to watch the second GiJoe movie? Well anyone who knows me knows that I grew up on GiJoe. I spent many a childhood hour looking at Sears wishbooks and Hasbro Catalogues wishing I had the money for such awesome toys as the Whale, Terrordrome, or [gasp]The (seven foot long)Flagg. My brothers and I have countless memories from back then that revolve around these 3.75 inch little plastic army men. We would battle it out on the snowy mountaintops of the living room or the dense jungles of a back bedroom for summer days on end.
Needless to say, I am peculier about my Joe lore. I don't want to see some lefty Hollywood director- whose biggest project to date was Justin Beiber's documentary- imprinting his ideas for what my precious Joes should act, sound and most of all look like on the big screen. The horror that was and is Channing Tatum's acting combined with the ridiculousness of Marlon Wayons not only playing the part of  white halo jumper Ripcord [i.e. where's Hardball, Alpine, Iceberg, Doc, Stretcher, Staticline, or even Stalker for goodness sake?] but playing him like it was a Scary Movie sequel in a bad Lost in Space suit on was still fresh in the back of my mind. I have put this movie on the back burner and completely intended to leave it there. Even though on other Joe sites around there here interweb --you know who you guys are-- have given this movie rave reviews.
Well, I suppose I have put it off long enough. A run to the local Redbox found me, in a moment of weakness, pressing the add button when the Retaliation pic flashed up on the screen. Now that I have finished watching the movie and stepped back with enough time to digest it in its entirety, I guess I will just have to come out and say it.  IT SUCKED.
I hated almost every minute of it.
The best part was when Channing Tatum died. and how he died was even utterly stupid. I mean why get behind the secon Humvee when the bad guys just blew the first Humvee to smithereens? Well I should mention the next best part; which is a close second to the worst thesbian of our, or any other time, kicking the bucket, and that was when Rock got his butt kicked by Ray Stevenson as Firefly.
And I must mention the Rock. Grudingly I do admit he can act. He even has a few pretty good movies. That wasn't the problem here. No, unlike Tatum, who plays only one character in every scene of every movie...uh...ever, Rock plays the part of Roadblock pretty good. It is the director shaping Roadblock himself which is utter comtemptable here. Why are he and Duke best buds. In the last movie Duke was best buds with Ripcord. Why is Roadblock leading the team all of a sudden? Every Joe fan knows that the team's hiearchy is..well lets just say confusing at times. But we can all agree in the top two or three is Flint. Yes the same Flint who was in the movie!! Hello!! By the way, where was Hawk? Dennis Quaid was the only good thing in the first movie and they cut himout? Where is Scarlett? She is an integeral part of the team and she is MIA? The entire thing is mind numbing.
Here are a few things to ponder:
Why was there a airport in the middle of the desert? How did they get from said airport to Roadblock's home town in the city. BTW Roadblock is from Biloxi, Mississipi. How did Lady Jaye set up an advanced computer in a aboandoned, run down gym? Once they figured out the president was an imposter, wouldn't the Joes assume it was Zartan--Cobra master of disguise-- like the rest of the Joe universe, or did they really, really need DNA evidence? Why did Lady Jaye and Joe Colton attack the president's location in an El Camino? Why does this movie show Zartan with nanos making him look like the president when in the last movie he underwent painful surgery? Why does Storm Shadow put on his mask to fight Snake Eyes and then take off his mask for no reason like thirty seconds later? For that matter, why does Jinx do the same thing? And why does Firefly show his face at all when he is supposed to be an unknown saboteur? Everybody in the movie seemed like they were removing their masks every few seconds, why even put them on? While being chased, why did Firefly jump on a little boat with like a Mercury 90 on it when there was a turbo charged Moccasin airboat beside it, which Roadblock used to subsequently run him down and over in? How did Zartan kill a bad, ninja making dude like the Hard Master when he was portrayed in the movie like such a wuss. And why, why why were Snake eyes and Storm Shadow children at the time? Zartan would have had to be Sixty at the time of the movie if that were true. And all Joe fans know that story. It is like one of the pillars of Joe lore. Firefly who is a ninja, not a southern good ole boy, was contracted to kill Snakes. He saw a grown Snake Eyes and knew he was out-matched so he got Zartan to shoot him with a bow, not a sword. He shot Hard Master by mistake and the rest is GiJoe history. How did they convince Storm Shadow it was Zartan in the first place in like ten seconds? That was totally unbelievable. And maybe my biggest gripe, why did the Joes continue to use code names when there was nobody around but them? I mean they know who each other are. Hello Storm Shadow's first name is Tommy- not Storm...geez.
Another Hollywood effort at my Favorite toyline, and another epic fail. The movie is too choppy wothout enough lead up to some scenes and too much campiness between Duke and Roadblock in other areas. It really is all over the place. But I do realize that the fanbase are so starved for anything Joe related that the movie did well at the boxoffice. I for one can't get over all of the miscues. 

Thursday, December 20, 2012

ebook review: Freedom Inc. by Peter Tylee" ;Freedom">">Freedom Incorporated by Peter">">Peter Tylee

My rating: 4">">4 of 5 stars

I have to agree with some of the others on here when they speak of the preachiness of this book. The leftwing, anti-capitalist, tree-hugging, goin' green gobbletygoob was the entire undertone of this story and the main female protaganist made me a bit ill at times, but it bears saying that I made it past that and enjoyed the story non the less which speaks to me of the strength of the authors idea.
This book is sort of an end times story with all of the black holes and human chipping going on in it. But all I can ask for in a read is for it to be fast paced and make me want to finish. Peter Tylee did both.

View">">View all my reviews

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

from one extreme to the next

I am sitting here in my office staring at my computer screen. It is 6:10 am on Wednesday morning, and guess what. It's raining ... again. This is the eight day in a row it has rained here on my little piece of the map. Things are getting a bit soggy. The grass, which I had to figh tooth and nail to keep alive back during the dog days, now seems to grow uncontrollably. I can't keep the stuff down. I dropped the deck on the Dixie Chopper, last time I mowed it, to 2 inches and gave it a proper buzz, thinking that it would take a little longer for the unmentionable bahaia to rise again. But that was before the monsoons. Now I can barely find the mailbox in all that jungle. I can't cut it because the lawnmower--while hydraulic z turn-- isn't equipped with trolling motor and pontoons. And while it is tough to get out the driveway every morning, fishing off of the front porch is looking promising. I guess there is a silver lining to every grey cloud, as they say.
Point is, the drought is over, hurricane season is upon us. Lord help us all.

Friday, August 24, 2012

book review: Illusion by Frank Peretti" style="float: left; padding-right: 20px">Illusion
" />Illusion">Illusion> by Frank">">Frank Peretti

My rating: 3">">3 of 5 stars

I always do this. I do. I can't help it. I always get all jazzed up for a new Frank Peretti book only to end up with mixed emotions in the end.
Outside of his two DARKNESS books--which were both classics in their own right--every Peretti book I have read has had one thing in common. As bad as I hate to say it, its bad endings. Every one of his books seems to have some flaw or letdown at the end which leaves me disappointed in some way. I guess it is my own fault for getting up my hopes.
Illusion is no different. It has a solid, hollywood worthy, plot--however--there are some holes in the story which in my mind lead to an unbelievable, not in the good way, hard to follow ending. I don't want to do a spoiler review, so I will not give away any details, but the problem is that the reader is never sure exactly how the main plot element which makes everything happen in the book--actually works and why or what is the point. It also led me to wonder what made Mandy so special to the point of being able to do things with said plot point in which others, who were exposed to the same plot point, could not accomplish.
I just kinda went with it throughout the book, but looking back at it as a whole, I find the whole thing just a bit...much. The ending seemed to wrap up way to neatly. I didn't like that at all. To me it was one of the most abrupt and unsatisfying endings I can remember reading in a long time.
Overall, while I was reading it at least, I did sorta enjoy it. But looking back--ehh.

View">">View all my reviews